long time no speak

The reason i haven’t been here in a while is because I had nothing to say. But now I do, I think a lot and the reason I probably think a lot about a lot of things is because i smoke. The thing is, maybe i don’t see it but I think smoking has effected my life a lot, besides the fact that it can cause cancer and has like a million chemicals in it which mostly can cause death, right? But, everything can make u die, mostly everything. I think when i smoke.
My parents know so that doesn’t matter, but I don’t talk to my mother because I basically don’t trust her to make the story short. I mean the other things that change are like my friends, I am friends with the same people but I made some new friends. It’s all messed up, the people I used to not hang out with before, i hang out with more, and the close friends i used to have and be close to… the friendship kind of died out. The thing is that there’s this one girl, that seemed like it was on the path for us to becoming really close because us four girls were like the girls in sex and the city, it was basically the goal to become like them, well at least to me. But then me and (lets call her Bobbette) Bobbette became really close and the other two became really close, to it was like couples separating. Then when i started smoking, the girl looked at me different which got me really mad.
It wasn’t just us 4, it was a lot of us. We all used to have so many little things with the group of friends, like we were trying to be something we weren’t. First we were skins, and then we were the illest dorks and then the girls were like sex and the city or friends. But why, why do we have to be that, and if you DO want to be like them you have to go all the way with it, or else just be like yourselves. We just liked the idea. There’s something there to depend on, someone, more than just one person, a lot of people to depend on. It’s more than having a best friend or a boyfriend. It’s more than one. The thing is after a while you begin to question who likes who most or who to really trust and don’t want a disappointment.
I hate disappointments, that’s why i don’t like to trust or to have hope. Fuck it. What is the point of caring? Most of things in our lives disappear eventually and if they don’t, you never know which ones will stay forever.

I sound like I’ve been through everything, don’t I? Well i haven’t. Not yet anyway.


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